There are 51 ways to screw up the game listed in the book. This is number two.

2. Call a (highly) technical balk.

Perhaps I should have skipped this one, but I am if anything courageous. My mother always called that "foolhardy." What's in a name?

My first speech at the Texas State Umpires' Meeting was entitled "How to Call a Perfect Game, or Why I Got Scratched in Brownsville." The idea was that there are certain calls an umpire may make that are exactly by the book but wrong for that game, any game really.

One type of technical balk

You'll recall I said we may ignore some rules. A technical balk is one. Wait up: You might even agree with me. NFHS rules apply.

Play 2: R1. The pitcher assumes the set position. The umpire notices F1's pivot foot extends about two inches outside the edge of the pitcher's plate. He stretches, he discernibly stops, he fires. Blue screams: "That's a balk! Time! You — second base." Ruling: The umpire has made a correct call.

He's also made a stupid call.

The "reason" for the rule is so the pitcher cannot creep 10 or 12 inches closer to first. But when the amateur pitcher sets his foot outside the rubber, he's not cheating. Generally, there's a hole that gets dug in front of the rubber, so most pitchers are simply trying to find a comfortable spot from which to deliver. They are close to the proper spot; "close" is good enough.

My advice: Make that a "fx it" rule. That is, ignore it until somebody calls it to your attention. (They never will.) Then, enforce it equally for both sides. In the meantime, don't try to call a perfect game. Ignore highly technical balks. Like this one.

Another type of technical balk

All rulebooks apply.

Play 3: R3, 1 out. The pitcher is in the wind-up position. His coach yells: "Bubba, get'n the stretch!" Bubba very carefully and slowly, without moving his arms, steps back from the pitcher's plate with his non-pivot foot first. Ruling: "That's a balk!"

Don't call it! 

Face it: Everybody in the park knows what Bubba is doing. He is not trying to deceive the runner. True, he has committed a highly technical balk, but he placed no runner at a disadvantage. The purpose of requiring a pitcher to step back first with his pivot foot when he disengages the rubber is to prevent him from simulating a pitch. If Bubba in Play 10 [you'll have to buy the book to read this example] had raised his arms at the moment he stepped back, that would have been a real balk.

Note: Suppose the pitcher stepped back correctly with his pivot foot but raised his arms at that moment. That, too, would be a real balk.

Now, you can email me at carlchildress@officiating.com and argue that point all you want: "Carl, a balk is a balk is a balk. If you don't call it, the offensive coach is going to be welded to your face." I promise not to scream or cuss. I like to discuss knotty problems. My position is that there are three kinds of balks: technical, penalty, and deceptive. [See Garth Benham's series "Balk: It's Just Another Four-Letter Word."] The main idea: You ought to save your breath for the latter two [penalty, deceptive].

Question: If you don't miss any rules, are you home free? Can you go to the game, secure in the knowledge you won't ruin it? Will Boston ever win another World Series?

Editor's Note: When the book was written, it seemed a safe bet. Not anymore. But I've left in the comment, just to show that even I make mistakes. (grin)

No, getting all the rules right will not take you off the hook. [Buy the book] and read on, Macduff....

Carl Childress is the Editor-in-Chief of Officiating.com. He's been writing professionally about amateur "hardball" umpiring for thirty years. RightSports, Inc., publishes each year his unique Baseball Rule Differences, known as the BRD. He's also the Umpire-in-Chief for the American Legion in his area as well as being the TASO secretary and rules interpreter. Click here to read a short biography. You may reach Carl at carlchildress@officiating.com.